All posts filed under: Thoughts

Where do you go to be soft?

  Where do you go to be soft? Where do you go to fall to your knees, neck outstretched to the sky and let the dam holding the floodgates of your heart… open… open and allow the gush… Where do you go to be still? To let your throat go hoarse from crying because you don’t know how or why.. Where do you fully express your emotions, because if you hold them tight you’ll blow.? Where do you go? Are you only useful when you are strong? Nah, find that place and go soft. We need you… soft….   Love T  

When you don’t feel like yourself anymore.

  Remember when you threw your head back in uninhibited laughter, wiping your eyes as you cried because it was so funny? Remember when you went places enthusiastically, even when no one went with you because you were genuinely interested and had to experience it for yourself? Remember when you didn’t have to use phrases like ‘No new friends’  or like social media posts that said ‘Just doing me, staying on my hustle and taking only myself to the top’ or cutting people off left right and centre because they have the wrong ‘energy’? (Writing this sentence was so exhausting for me! eye roll) Remember when your soul was  still and content, and you lived happily, you got on with your friends, and slept like a baby at night …(okay so maybe your parents were annoying but..) When you did things that made your soul sing and not at the expense of others? I remember them clearly and I am on the righteous quest to be that way again! This corrosion of the soul .. …

The changing friendships of women in their 30’s ..

Laying on my bed,  the phone I held up to my face illuminated my features. I stopped myself from moving too much ( I was at home in Zambia, laying next to my mother, because thats what grown up daughters do when they visit home, soak up every single second they have with their parents.) I was chatting with a dear friend that I had not seen or spoken to in a while. Our lives had gone in different directions much to our amusement! I was living the life she (thought) wanted, and she was living the life I (thought) wanted. Here we were, no longer cruising the streets for the next party, but in our respective homes, I was soaking up Mamas love and she was giving love being a Mama. Our fingers probably both flew over our smartphone keyboards, loving the connection again and sharing our deepest fears and aspirations like days of old, we were 23 or so again. Laying on the grass and sharing. One thing was clear. We are women in our …

How can you be the real you this time around?

I noticed myself smiling like a goofball as I walked down the streets of Itaewon yet again. I was in Seoul again. The city that is in my top 5 cities to live in. ( One day!) I was smiling because my belly was obviously full of good Korean food, I could hear Kpop being blasted from a speaker as I walked past Hamilton hotel yet again. I was dressed in a way that would be considered too….flashy for Berlin ( Berlin is über laid back darling, you must not try too hard, must be vintage, must be different but … don’t try too hard dahling). My blue mini skirt with its flashy jewels, my trusty brogues ( wore them everywhere!) and my gorgeous lip tint. I was feeling alive. I was feeling.. like myself. I didn’t care one bit that I stood out with my long blonde braids and my chocolate skin, the big grin on my face making others smile at me too. I was not trying to be anything else. When had I …

The fight to be included.

The world is at war. Not just in far away lands, lands that you see on the news, but all around you. All you need to do is look a little closer. That’s right. An all out war! This war is everywhere, in our workplaces, schools, homes.. and in our hearts. The fight to be included. Some days you win, you go home victorious, your peers loved your new idea and nodded vigorously in agreement.You’ve got this. Yes! It reaffirms that you’ve got what it takes. Most days, though, you come home, defeated, a little hopeless. Questioning if you are in the right place. Are you talented enough for this? When will someone find out that you actually don’t really know what you are doing either? Where do you belong? This is all you have at the moment so might as well make it work. … and so we fight… We back bite each other in the race to be included, we do things in secret so that when it is successful boy oh boy the …

Treading water..

  Warm brown concrete, drops of water evaporating quickly from its surface, drops of water dripping from wet little bodies in an array of colourful swimsuits. Muffled giggles, sniffles and conversations. Learning how to swim at Nkhwazi primary school in Lusaka was amazingly fun. Since I attended the ‘Little School’  ( 1st and 2nd grade) first, we splashed around in the pond with Mrs Kirby’s dogs.Then we eventually graduated to the shallow end of the boundless swimming pool at the ‘Big School’ which taught all the kids from 3rd grade to 7th grade. We got tested in our swimming skills as we went along, getting certificates as we passed each level. Some were much better swimmers than others ( I never got the gold certificate but I did get  up to silver!) and had to learn a few things in order to be a good swimmer. One of these very important things is treading water. Treading water is simply staying buoyant in a swimming pool (vertically) while keeping your head above the water. You do this …

What if its not interesting anymore?

  If it’s not interesting you anymore, if its takes an enormous amount of strength (gigantic, enormous, heartbreaking amounts!) to enjoy it and get it done….. if it feels more like a burden … if it feels mismatched and does not feel like it fits ….. It’s time to stop. Does not mean you stop forever, you may just need some time. Even if you put it down forever…. you will pick up something else. It’s okay to stop.  

You my dear cannot belong if ….

To be a part of a clique, a team, a couple. To mesh, submerge, diffuse and be one with everyone. Their jokes run off your tongue ..but you are still not as funny…oh maybe for a moment. You wonder why you don’t fit in for too long.Sometimes you find a nice cosy place . You’re comfortable, delighted… and not yourself. You’ve practised your lines, have your facts together, updated on the headlines so you can drop a golden nugget during the conversation. It’s not something you are consciously thinking about, it’s just inside you.. wanting to belong, wanting to be liked, wanting to be important. You light that cigarette and order another beer while your wife cries her eyes out at home. Your heart defiant as you steel yourself to ignore the warning bells in your head. Her love is not stronger than this need you have , to fit in, to be a part of this group, to be somebody. You defiantly listen to his conversation, even when you get an inkling he is attracted …

Wanderlust fulfilled – I’ve got Seoul

Remember that post I wrote a year ago about wanting to go to Seoul. Korea? Well, guess who just came back from there?! I spent three weeks in Korea, eating, shopping and being merry! I had an amazing time! There are no words to express how enthralled I was, how much I ate and how much being there experiencing it made my life happy. 🙂 ) When I first got to Seoul I was staying in Gangnam (Yes Gangnam of Psy fame ) and was immediately mesmerised by how clean everything was. (I live in Berlin, it has its not so clean parts 🙂 ) We quickly checked into our hotel and I quickly turned on the T.V. If you want to get to know a nation, watch what they are watching. ( I was in the land of Kpop and Kdramas, it was time to dive in immediately!) Gangnam is a very wealthy area, ( My friends laughed at me for being very surprised at a really badly parked Maserati as we walked down to …

Inexplicably yourself.

I remember being about 6 years old,sitting outside on the huge lawn of our farmhouse in Lusaka, Zambia. I was all alone, paperclip in hand, and a small flower in the other. I was determined. I was going to spin the flower into cotton like Rumpelstiltskin could spin straw into gold. I just believed I could.I remember looking up into the sky at those big big fluffy clouds,kneeling there in the grass, my chubby hands circled but lots of bangles that jingled every time I moved.Thats the first time I thought. ‘I want to be a scientist.’ I always think about me being out there by myself , and how happy I was, and about how being myself outside has always made me happy.Walking around, looking at the clouds. My spirit is clear, my mind gets clearer and I hear my heart. I finally hear the questions my heart asks and the immediate answer to them. e.g. What would it mean to you if xxxx happened? Immediate answer being it would mean the world.Then I …

Stand up to your pain

  I need you to stand up to your pain. To look at it in the face and tell it, it no longer has any power over you. Past scars are in the past. Today is the start of a brand new you. Pain is sometimes like the huge imposing shadow on the wall….. of a cute kitty cat. Look at it in the face and tell it ‘No more.’ No more will pain dictate who you embrace, who you call on the phone, who you love. Pain will no longer dictate the quality of life and how high you can soar. You were born to soar. All your pain has been paid for. Walk free. Look pain in the face and tell it. No more. It ends today. Go through so you can hold hands again and not cringe. Go through so you can pat someone on the knee, look them in the eye and not feel like  a fraud. Go through so you can pat someone on the knee, look them in the …

Young.African.Unafraid

Dear <Insert your wonderful name here> I want to live in a world where Young Africans are not afraid to venture into creative businesses and spaces. A world where they can be as creative as they can be without writing it off as unimportant because they think they cannot earn money from their creativity.A world which celebrates their brilliant colourful creativity without them being taken advantage of for it.   It breaks my heart when I see young Africans devote so much time and effort to careers and paths they do not enjoy because they believe it is the only way to survive in this world. Or to see such amazing talent go to waste because they simply do not believe in themselves or their creativity.   I want you to feel confident, inspired and well able. I want you to rock the creative world and bring a spin to it that the world is yet to experience.   So, I’ve created a guide for Young Africans and it is on sale now 🙂 I learned …

Run…. for help.

Why do the stories of people like Amy Winehouse or Jean – Michel Basquiat fascinate us and  make us so sad at the same time? (The Jean – Michel story makes me so proud, sad and hurt!) Why do these suffering souls  that hold so much promise waste away so incredibly fast and leave this earth moved, leaving our hearts in awe but irreversibly broken? The haunting voice of Amy  “.. and I wake up alone …” or Jean Michels “Fire will attract more attention than any other cry for help.” A lot of the times its because we are not paying attention. We brush off the hurting, we figure they will figure themselves out .. or.. you have your own issues to deal with. People run. They run, wanting to find their freedom, wanting relief, wanting a listening ear. They run to drugs, alcohol, spending money they don’t have .. and they keep running. Could Amy and Jean-Michel have been alive today if they would have made different decisions? I think so. I hope you run …

Going back to go forward

Sometimes you have to go back to go forward. You have to learn how to spell again to become a better writer, to make friends again with your old dictionary (Oxford!) and learn the meaning of words, like you did in fifth grade. Sometimes you have to admit that your work is average  and strive to make yourself better. This is how you shine.