How can you let go of someone you love? How can you make letting go easier when it hurts so much to think of not having a relationship with a person?I spent a Saturday afternoon with a friend I had not seen in a long time. It was great to laugh and drive around in her huge 4×4 car. It’s so great to sit up so high and roar around in this SUV, laugh, let our hair down and just be fabulous!
I had not seen her for a long time because she had a boyfriend. He didn’t like her to have too many friends.
He was a nice enough guy but quite manipulative.
She slowly ended friendships with people HE did not like just so they could date in peace. Unfortunately for him (fortunately for her in my opinion) the relationship is over just before they were to get married! She has never been happier!
I remember inviting her months ago to have dinner with some of my other girlfriends, she came but didn’t stay long. Halfway through the meal she gathered her handbag and said she just needed to rush to her house, but that she would be back…We waited a long long while for her but she never came back. She later admitted that he had summoned her and told her she didn’t need to be out with those ‘friends’.
It is so out of character for her to lie and say she will be back.
She is more of the blunt type that will say
‘I don’t want to come’ or ‘Let’s get out of here before I shoot someone’.
So this nice drive with her, laughing and talking, felt so good because I got my friend back. I realised that being honest with yourself and taking the actions to free yourself from what you clearly know is wrong, is easier said than done.
She cemented this as well by saying:
‘I saw the red flags, I knew all along that there were a lot of things wrong in the relationship but I wanted it to work, I moulded myself into the person I thought he wanted me to be, and lost myself in the process’
It was her all in the small decisions, going along with everything, abandoning her friends one hang out at a time, for compromising herself, her beliefs, etc and this happened because she loved him. She believed this is what love looked like.
An honest relationship with herself would have prevented some of the issues that they had, maybe she would have left the relationship earlier. An honest relationship where she didn’t compromise or betray herself could have potentially prevented this painful situation. As her friend, I felt powerless, who was I to tell her to leave him? She was very defensive every time I asked her about him, bordering on really ruining our relationship.I felt that all I could do was wait and be there for her if she ever left him, and she did. Could I have done more? Maybe. It is only through these experiences that she has come to learn that she needs to love and listen to herself more closely. Letting go sometimes has to be done slowly, with small decisions. The same way you made small decisions to get you into that bind, maybe the same way you get out.
Call that friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, go to church, read that book, confront the things that you know are wrong. If you have isolated yourself , start to reach out to friends again. ‘Do they still want to be my friend?’ you’re thinking.
They missed you. Call them.
( I missed her terribly and having an honest conversation about why she disappeared helped me understand what she was going through, and I was able to put whatever judgements I had aside. I didn’t know what she was going through, just like your friends don’t know exactly what YOU were going through.Reach out.)
She was the friend that showed me clearly that sometimes you have to let go of what you think is amazing for something better.She said she realised that she had changed so much of herself to make this relationship work.
Letting go and realising when to let go is a hard thing, but I’m learning that it gets easier , and the rewards for letting go of things that weigh you down opens you up to so much more than you could ever imagine. One step at a time.