validation,fatherlessness, seeking help,self care, black fathers

Seeking validation

In this world of an increasing number of fatherless children….and the adults that they become…validation is sought at an unhealthy level..in unhealthy places.

With my father dying when I was very young, I did not have a man in my life that validated me, that told me I was beautiful, that I’m smart, that I am worth the trouble. That I was desired.
(I want to be desired so much. Do you want me? Do you find me desirable? Do I please you?)

For as long as I can remember I have tried to fit it in
( I’ve succeeded at it as I do believe I am pretty popular..sigh.)

I’ve been nonchalant because it’s cool, I’ve gone over and above for everybody but myself…just to be validated.
I have transferred my need for validation to men.
Yes, I have dated men because the little girl in me wants to know that I..like l’oreal. am worth it.
That whomever I’m dating will move heaven and earth for me as Daddy should/would have. Even after knowing this, I have been dealing with the symptoms…I have not worked on the root of it.

Now I am ready.

I have clung to a boy who is clearly not into me just to be wanted.
This is what happened with another guy I dated in my life before.
I clung onto the story I have been telling myself for years..simply because this story works for me.

It works to tell people that I have been so good to him and he dumped me like a hot potato.
I have received sympathy for it…but it’s still left me where I shouldn’t be.


I need to be alone and love me,in everything.

It is said that people you are in relationships mirror what you are like inside.

He abandoned me because I abandoned myself.

How many times have I overridden my instincts for this guy?
For other people?
I’ve been such a chronic people pleaser its shameful. I have felt immense shame at how much I have done for people just to have not even murmur a thanks my way and walk away. I have damaged my heart in order to please others and no one will love me the way God intended if I do not get myself together and put a huge stop sign in front of myself and others and just say no.
No, I do not want to go out tonight because honestly, I don’t see the point.
No, I do not want to share with you at the moment, because I just do not want to.
I’m ready to be loyal to me, to be loyal to the little girl inside.
To validate MYSELF.
To find my validation in my Creator, who has validated me already.
What I need to do is take it, take my validation.

Iyanla Valant said something wonderful…

‘My cup runneth over…what runs over is for you,whats in the cup is for me’

Here’s to filling my own cup.

Have you been listening to the podcast? Dive in! It’s glorious!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.