disaapointment, acceptance,dreams,life

When were you happiest?

I must admit, I am not where I envisioned myself to be when I was 17. I thought about it and I was happiest living in Boston, working as a surgical technologist, I worked in surgery, it was always exciting! I made good money, I had cool friends, I dated a devastatingly handsome Irish boy who I still believe is pining away for me (yeah….no.)

Fulfilling my life’s purpose, I always wanted to work in the medical field. I always wanted to be a doctor, it’s all I lived, breathed, read about…what happened?
 Life happened. I was tossed and turned, burned and bruised, it feels like the storm has calmed…but has left me with a mouth full of seawater and debris.
I had failed myself in so many ways, an immense failure, oh the shame….and the pity from other people was the worst…

I don’t feel so much passion for what I later on went to study, because I feel like its the consolation prize.
It’s like winning ‘Miss Personality’ at the high school beauty pageant because they just loved your personality..not because you’re beautiful or anything!

Doesn’t mean I am not learning anything, it’s just that I placed my significance on being a doctor.
I felt I would only truly matter if I became a doctor.
Somehow in my mind being a doctor would shield me from heartache, would shield me from being broke  (probably true, but that ties into my money management t)….and all these big things I dreamed life would be with that MD on my name.

It still could be. Without the MD.
It actually is… I live in a city I love, I’m writing (here on the blog and otherwise) I’m not in the operating room at the moment, but maybe I will go back sometime.

The rest is just details.

Details like….how I want to wear my hair, which gig I’m going to, whats for dinner tonight…fundamentally I’m getting more sound every day and it feels fantastic!

( I wrote this blog post years ago and ended up writing a book about how to deal with feeling like this. cool huh? – 27.01.15)


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